The Evolution of Clarity

There are times when clarity and decisions come as the result of careful analysis and thinking. Other times they come as a gut sense of just knowing something, and other times as a response to some external catalyst. 

But sometimes clarity can remain elusive for a disquieting amount of time. We think it’s time to know something, and yet, we don’t. 

I have come to have great respect for the evolution of clarity. Unfortunately, clarity isn’t an item we are able to go get off the shelf when we want it. I believe that there are times when outside factors are still lining up; while at others there are internal shifts that we need to make which we may not be aware of. 

We don’t tend to find clarity before we’re ready. Sometimes we are in a process of letting go or preparing ourselves for a change that will result from making a certain decision. This can be entirely unconscious, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

One day we will realize that we have clarity and find ourselves ready for what that might mean. 

Sometimes we have to wait and the patience required for this can be challenging. Things become clear, but all the variables are not yet lined up to make it a reality. You figure out where you want to move, but can’t get a job; you decide to have a child but can’t get pregnant; etc. 

It may simply be a matter of timing—human time and Spirit time don’t always line up. Or we find that Spirit has entirely different ideas in mind for us. Our faith can be challenged to the core when this happens. 

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. As an oldest daughter in a large family, I had some experience with parenting. I was told over and over what a great mom I would be. Getting married and having a family is broadly expected in our culture, as it was in my family. I also believe there is a very strong hormonal urge for most women that goes way beyond the brain. 

When I finally met a man whom I considered marrying, it turned out he didn’t want any more children. He was older than I was and already had a grown son. At first we assumed, “Okay, this won’t be a long-term relationship.” We both felt clear about what we wanted and it didn’t match up. Damn!  But I really liked him. Actually, I was falling in love. 

This forced me to really look at the question and the choice.

I got to the point of letting go of the assumption of motherhood. I hadn’t realized that it was an assumption.  It was just in there deep. As I considered letting go of the idea of having a child, I prepared myself to feel grief and sadness; it didn’t come. I was shocked to find that I was actually feeling some relief and a deep sense of freedom.

I waited; the big grief never came, though I have experienced waves of sadness and wondering through the years.

I came to realize that whether I chose motherhood or not, there was not a right or wrong answer—just two different paths. This was radical to me. It also meant that I had the ability to choose without fear of getting it “wrong”. I didn’t have to find the right path; I just needed to choose. 

When I was forty-three and had been happily married for a several years, I had a bigger wave of that yearning to have a child than I had had for a while. I shared my feelings with my husband. This time, he told me that if I was really clear this was what I wanted, then he would say yes if I asked. Oh my god.

This really surprised me. I sat with it. His willingness meant so much to me, but I had already made peace with the life I had chosen, and I liked my life. And pragmatically, it didn't make sense at this stage of our lives. He is also significantly older than I am. 

I didn’t ask him.

Now I feel that in spite of what I had been so clear about earlier, there could be an even better scenario that I couldn’t even imagine. Whatever the trade offs, I believe I ended up making the right choice for me. 

So there’s clarity, and then there’s the surrender to what evolves. It’s okay to be surprised.  

Women Are Feeling the Call - From 1st Newsletter

I know that many people, particularly women, are feeling a call to step up.

Everything is different now and up for re-evaluation.

It is time to fight for what we feel is right and to protect those who are even more vulnerable.  We had hoped that things were heading in a different direction.  So much progress has been made and it is unfathomable that things could go backwards.

But we will not go back.

It is hard not to feel utterly outraged right now at the rhetoric that has emerged about women and all those being marginalized.  I believe that this is the last gasp of a patriarchal system. Ironically, and sadly, I believe that this election may do more to call forth the power and passion of women than if Hillary had burst through that glass ceiling.  

This is a pivotal time, rich with creative possibilities.  And things are speeding up.  We’re facing many choices now and we’re going to need courage, focus and energy.  We’ll also need to manage our resistance and discomfort at putting ourselves out there, to being more visible, more vocal, more vulnerable.  Because we know that this is no longer the time to allow ourselves to be invisible or to let our fears win.  It will mean stretching into some edges for many of us.

We know too much now.

The thing is that most women are already full up.

We're spread thin and giving so much – to our families, friends, and communities.  We cannot simply add to what we are already doing – volunteer more, donate more, though this might be part of it.  This is going to be a long battle and we’re going to need to do whatever we do in a sustainable way.

We’ll need to make choices here, and we can’t rush the process of figuring it out.

I want women to explore these choices and consciously decide where and how they want to show up.  

The question of who you really are, what you really care most about, is key.  What are your strengths?  Because we need them now.

Don’t bother doing things you don’t enjoy.

Don’t waste your time on things that feel unproductive or that someone else could do.

Trust that we will all have different skills and ideas to bring, different roles to play.

Go for the real deal and create the biggest impact you can.

I’m claiming that my strength is helping women get clear and make conscious decisions - in all aspects of their lives – large and small.  For years I’ve been helping women stand in their truth and their power, to do what they are here to do and to thrive in their lives. And I’m stepping even more into how much this matters and how much I’m called to bring this to more women.

This is how I want to change the world. How about you?

I am offering a free coaching session for anyone who is grappling with these questions and would like some clarity. 

Absolutely no strings attached. 

The Power of Ambiguity

Through much of my life, I have had a hard time making decisions.  So it strikes me as ironic that I now have a lot to say about decision making and I now help my clients get clear and make decisions.  I guess, like everything else, when we struggle with something; we sometimes end up learning about it in a more robust way.

We are constantly making choices.  We choose consciously or unconsciously. We just don’t always recognize the unconscious decisions we make.  A passive approach lets circumstances or others decide for us. 

I learned from my father that not to decide is to decide.  This is one way to go, but it is surprisingly dis-empowering. 

So why don’t we make choices?

• We're afraid of making a mistake. 

• We are afraid of … what it will mean.

• We are resistant to taking the required action it will entail.

• We don’t want to take on the responsibility.

• We are afraid of how others might judge us.

• We’re afraid of disappointing or hurting someone.

• It brings on discomfort, and we really like being comfortable.

• It puts us in unfamiliar territory and we really don’t like the unknown.

• It will mean letting go of something else, and all other possibilities.

• Inertia.

Sometimes we have already decided something.  Sometimes we already know the answer, but…

One question it’s good to ask yourself is, “Who’s in charge of this decision?"  Is it the current you, or the eight, or eighteen year-old in you?  Each will make different choices, so decide who you want in charge of the decision.

From my experience with my clients, once things become clear, change happen.  Sometimes we are just not ready for what that clarity will bring, even if it’s ultimately good.  

Just Show Up.

Years ago, I apprenticed with a woman who was my mentor – a coach and organizational development consultant.  During that year, she brought me just about everywhere she went and wrote me into contracts with her clients.  It was an incredible year of learning and I was very lucky to have such a rich opportunity. 

But, I was also very stressed and terrified at times. 

I remember one day when we were headed to a small business with whom we were working.  The closer we got to the office for the meeting, the more nervous I got and I felt sick to my stomach.  This was not how I wanted to show up.  I was feeling very shy and was questioning what I had to offer.

I remember my mentor said to me that day in the car, “Just show up.” 

Oh. 
That’s all I have to do? 
Really? 
Really.

She knew that if I could do that, I would bring my value and be great.  Those three words helped my whole being exhale and relax.  I continue to use this phrase when I find myself feeling anxious and nervous about a situation or a client. 

Stepping up professionally or personally can seem like a good concept, but it can bring with it stress, anxiety, sometimes even terror.  At times it can even immobilize us and we end up missing an opportunity.  Sometimes, it can lead us to overcompensate in a range of ways.  We end up trying too hard to impress and prove ourselves – to whom, it’s not always clear.  Stress can make us tight and self-conscious and more importantly, less present to what is actually happening. 

We can get so stuck in our head, in our fear, in our ego, that we miss the essence of what is going on around us.  Then we don’t bring our best selves.  We hide, play sick, become invisible.

Though you may be afraid that you are an impostor about to be found out, try trusting that you have been invited to the meeting or event for a reason.  Your presence has been requested because it is valued.  You are up to this, ready for this next level of responsibility or leadership. 

Sometimes it is others who can see more than we can that we are ready for the next step.  Trust that this opportunity is happening at just the right time.  Resist the temptation to give in to the fear.   Go for the ride and trust that you are ready.  There’s only so much we can do to prepare for new territory.  Trust your ability to respond in the moment.

Just show up.  

Oops, I Did it Again.

Okay, one thing I know for sure from working with busy women over the years is that we tend to end up with too much on our plates, way too often. We can’t help it – there are many people who depend on us and need us and, honestly, we mostly like this. 

We really like being helpful, even saviors occasionally. We get to feel our competence and confidence and feel like we are being good wives, friends, daughters, parents, workers. The problem is that we too often default to saying yes, when what we should have said is no, or at least – maybe, or I need to check my calendar. 

This happens to the wisest, most conscious people I know.  And it’s okay. It is almost always coming from our best intentions. We just tend to be better at taking care of others than we are at taking care of ourselves sometimes. 

And then we remember or we notice, “oh, there’s that line I hadn’t meant to cross!” Sometimes we miss seeing those lines where our limits are until we cross them. It’s not surprising; they tend to be invisible. 

But, fear not, there is a remedy used far less frequently than it should be. It’s called re-contracting.  That’s spelled….

Why did it take us all so darn long to learn this word? Some clients whom I have shared this concept with think I’m telling them a new swear word or that I am naive. “But I said I would be there”, “they’re counting on me”, “but I gave my word”, “but there’s no one else who can do it.” 

And then they try it.  And they thank me.

It’s really surprisingly okay to acknowledge when we have stumbled into one of these situations. The truth is that as women, we all understand how easy it is to happen. We also respect and honor a woman’s ability to take care of herself. We all need more models for this. 

When we re-contract, we implicitly give permission for those around us to do the same, knowing we all slip up in our scheduling. We’re humans and things change, priorities shift, people get sick, we feel low ebb, we fail to anticipate the reality of what’s been planned. It’s all okay. 

Our calendar can be a trajectory for our time, and represents our best intentions, but staying in conscious choice has to be part of it. 

I believe that one of the best aspects of growing older is our ability to know more about our own limits and to realize how very important it is that they be honored. We just get too darn tired of paying the price of not honoring them over and over. 

As they say on the airplane, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help others. The implication is that if we can’t breathe, we can’t do a good job of helping others. 

Our ability to breathe is the foundation of everything else we bring to those we love and the world in which we live. So I strongly recommend that as soon as you realize that you have ended up over-committed, re-contract.  

Put Things Back Into The Flow.

I love helping people simplify and a big part of that process is letting go of things.  In our current culture, we have a tendency to accumulate. Without a process for easily letting go of things, we end up with way too much stuff. It’s epidemic. 

One concept that makes a lot of sense to me is putting things back into the flow. 

Don’t try and figure out who the best person is for each item you want to discard. This takes too much time, energy and guessing. It can also be a cop-out – you end up placing the burden on them to figure out what to do with the darn thing!

If you have plenty of space, are good at labeling and don’t mind storing and managing stuff; you can keep those bins of baby clothes for your niece who may decide to have a baby someday. Otherwise, let someone with a baby now, use the clothes you no longer need.  It feels good. 

The easiest thing to do is to choose a local nonprofit that supports those less fortunate in your community.  Donate to them all the things you no longer need or want. Depending on how much you have, they may even pick up.

Consider consignment too. I love consignment shopping. When you find a store that tends to have stuff you like to buy, they’d probably be interested in buying some of the things you want to let go of. You can usually trade for store credit or get cash for your things once they sell.  It’s a win-win!

There is a much easier flow of goods now with the popularity of Craigslist, eBay, and Freecycle. If it’s easy for you to list your items online, and mail them out, go for it. If it feels hard or you have a pile of stuff you haven’t sold on-line for months (or years) then stop trying. 

Whichever method/s you choose for letting go, trust that the right people will find these things and be delighted. Besides, you get a tax credit. 

You don’t need to hold on to things now, “just in case”. Life is too complicated and the future far too unclear to be able to predict what we will need ‘someday.’ Open space is surprisingly valuable. Hold it dear and see what true value you can attract into it. 

This process also offers you the trust to know that when you need something, you too will find it in the flow. 

From my experience working with my clients, once things become clear, things happen. Sometimes we are just not ready for what that clarity will bring, even if it’s ultimately good. 

I have also come to have great respect for trusting right timing. It simply might not yet be the time to know the answer. We think it is, but perhaps there are unknown factors yet to be resolved either internally or externally.  

A Room of One's Own

When I first moved in with my husband, we lived in a small house and shared an office.  I thought this was great.  Our desks were side by side and loved the idea of parallel productivity, except it wasn’t. 

As much as I enjoyed being near him, I found it quite challenging to tune him out and concentrate on my own things.  Now I recognize that my tendency to focus on everyone else around me distracts me.  What made it even worse, was that he had no trouble staying focused. 

When we eventually moved and I had my own office I found I am much more productive and creative.  I needed a room of my own and I didn’t even know it.  

I have helped a number of my clients create a space in their home just for them.  It is always with women, most of whom are also moms.  No matter the size of the house or the household, women can neglect to create a space for themselves as their focus is so often meeting the needs of everyone else. 

It’s amazing they are able to get as much done as they do considering important papers and systems are often scrunched into corners of various rooms, drawers, piles, which can make getting things done even more challenging than they may already be.

Invariably, once my client and I look around together, an obvious place gets revealed that could be claimed.  Sometimes it’s an extra room used for storage or a room of a child who has long since moved out of the house.  Sometimes a solid corner of a kitchen will do if designed well.  

With one client, we analyzed the spaces and explored various options.  She and I realized that although a room upstairs would work, it was simply too far away from the hub of the house and would remain unused.  As a single mother of three young children, she needed to be more centrally located, which is true of many mothers.  We took over the dining room and created ‘mom’s command central’.  She didn’t need a formal dining room; she needed a place to be organized, get things done and stay connected.  We placed the large desk right in the middle of the room, files along one side and projects on the other.  A small desk against the wall allowed a child to sit and do homework as needed. 

She immediately went from feeling completely overwhelmed to becoming powerful, in-control and ready to be the boss again. 

Creating her own space changed everything.  

The Benefits of Simplifying

·         Reduce stress
·         Prevent burnout, fatigue, and chronic illnesses
·         Sustain resilience through life changes
·         Improve relationships
·         Tap your inner wisdom and intuition
·         Identify life priorities
·         Cultivate mindfulness
·         Improve focus and concentration
·         Enhance productivity
·         Spark your creativity
·         Improve confidence and inner strength
·         Deepen your faith
·         Restore balance
·         Enjoy and appreciate life to its fullest